Running Out of Time


Do you ever feel like time is just slipping away from you? As a 21 year-old, I am frequently told that I have plenty of time left in life to do certain things… i.e. find love, have children, and many other of the glorious things that life can give you. But, as time moves forward, I continue to think that these things are growing farther and farther out of my reach. I am called insane for wanting these things so early in my life, but to me, that’s all I want. I want that family of my own. I want that toddler taking their first steps. Smiling for the first time. Saying their first words. I want that husband that lays in bed with me at night. That cooks dinner with me, and sings with me, and lives life with me. Still, everyone tells me I should wait.

What is there to wait for? Aren’t you supposed to go after the things in life that you truly want? To make your dreams come true? What if that is my dream to have? Why is that such an insane thing for me to want? Just because most my age would rather wait for those things, why do I have to? Why can’t I want them now?

No one seems to understand that those are the things I crave in life. Not that I’m trying, but I would be overjoyed to find out if I was carrying a little life inside of me. I love children, with all of my heart. Sure, they can get on your nerves… but what doesn’t at some point in your life? Electronics not working right, person in line taking too long to check out, traffic is too slow… surely, given the right time, a baby is bound to irk you, too… yet I still want it more than anything.

I think what I want most is the experience of pregnancy. Which, of course, makes me even crazier in the eyes of those who have already gone through it. Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing to me… as is having a newborn baby. All babies, in fact.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I don’t want to bare just any man’s child. I want to hold the child of the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. And in this day in age, that seems to be very hard to find. For me, at least… but I still have hope that he is out there and I hope to find him soon.

I know that I still have many years ahead of me, but at the same time, I feel like life is moving way too fast. It feels like only yesterday I was still a little kid, scraping my knees and going to school. Now, here I am, a full, legal adult with bills to pay and a job to go to every morning… and let me tell you, I wish time would slow down. It’s like I blink and the year is already over, yet in school just one month felt like an eternity. What changed that makes life go by so much faster now?

That being said, I hope to be able to live life to the fullest. To do the things I truly love to do, and to accomplish everything I have my heart set on. One day, I will have a husband to come home to, and a child to love with my entire being. And I will own a laptop that isn’t a piece of shit that takes me that much longer to type because it constantly wants to scroll through what I’ve already written and prevent me from typing correctly. (Damn myself for spilling tomato soup all over my keyboard several months back.) In due time, it will all happen.


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