Today

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Days like today, I feel like I’m hard to talk to. I don’t put much towards the conversations and I say “lol” way too much to try and mask the way I’m feeling. They may not notice it, but I feel like the way I text changes completely when I’m under this cloud.

I spend too much time on Facebook because I don’t know how else to distract my mind. Days like today I just need someone here with me to talk to, to laugh with. To stay busy. Texting helps a little, but I can always pause between words in a text and get trapped in my thoughts. That’s not as easy when you have someone to physically talk to.
My appetite is gone. My head hurts. I’m tired. The day is moving too fast but also so slow. I want to go do something, but everyone seems too be busy or unable to. I feel trapped. 

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Pretty Little Invisible

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Fingers crossed I actually post this one! I have been having a problem where I will start to write a post and then get self-conscious and just leave it as a draft… i.e. I was typing a blog about my lack of confidence the other night and decided I didn’t want to put it out there yet. Anywho, let’s begin.

I have never felt like someone that gets noticed. I’ve always felt like I blended into the background. In high school, I would walk from point A to point B and that was it. I never really mingled in the halls. I was never really approached by anyone I didn’t really know, and if I was, it was them asking if I was a lesbian… fyi… I am very much so NOT a lesbian. If there was ever a time where someone approached me on a friendly level, I can’t recall it now. There was probably only one or two instances.

It isn’t just about being noticed in a crowd either. I feel like I never cross anyone’s mind. I feel like I’m just there and as soon as I leave they never think about me until I see them again or if I try to talk to them. I’ve come to notice though, that isn’t always the case. I have started to see that I get noticed a lot more than I think, and I am thought of a lot more than I would have imagined.

For starters, a couple weeks ago this guy came up to me at work after our 6 o’clock safety meeting in the morning. He had two coffees in his hand and he said one of them was for me. “Oh… thanks… who is it from?” I was rather sleepy at the time, and was incredibly happy to have coffee to wake myself up. “It’s from me.” I don’t know if I made a surprised, dumb face or not… but I was blown away at the thought that this stranger had even thought to bring me coffee that morning. And, boy, did I need it. That week had been shit so him doing that completely turned my day around. It was a Friday, too. What a great way to end the week. Anyway, my point is, he had noticed me. He had actually noticed me a couple weeks prior to him bringing me coffee, but had only just then decided to try and talk to me.

Another instance, a guy that was a grade or two ahead of me in high school messaged me on Facebook the other day. I had no clue he even knew that I existed. Truth be told, I thought he was totally hot in high school. Turns out, he had noticed that I had liked a couple of his statuses, and he had even liked a couple of mine, and he remembered me from school. So he decided to send me a message. He did the thing I hate. He told me his name even though I could clearly see who he was from his profile. I overlooked it though because I was shocked to have gotten a message from him. After talking to him for a good portion of the day, I decided to ask him why he decided to message me. He told me what I had explained about how he noticed I liked his stuff and remembered me from high school. I laughed. I told him I didn’t think he ever noticed me. And that’s when he told me “you tend to notice people you think are cute”,Sir… did you just tell me I’m cute???? I mean… I know I am now… but back in high school??? (Sorry for that conceited comment… but I think I look absolutely great sometimes now.) He’s actually a lot nicer than I thought he would be.

You want to know another? I’ve talked to this guy on and off for years now. Normally he would be the one to initiate the conversation, and every time he did I would just kind of be taken aback by it because we had never actually met, so the fact that he would think to message me amazed me. It also surprised me because I feel like I sound less interested (even though I normally am) in conversations when I don’t fully know the person, so the fact that he continued to try and talk to me made me happy. Every couple of weeks or months or so I’d get a message and we’d talk for a bit. I’m just like… wow… people actually want to talk to me? (We have actually met now, and I try to talk to him more. I enjoy his company.)

My best friend, she and I don’t talk all that often. (I mean, we do but we don’t?) We go days and weeks without talking sometimes, but our friendship stays as strong as if we were messaging each other every day. It still surprises me though when she randomly messages me to see how I’m doing. At first it would make me panic, because she would always be really concerned about how I was and I would instantly think something was wrong or she knew something that I didn’t know. Since then, I have gotten used to these texts and they no longer make me panic. They make me feel really happy knowing she thinks about me randomly like that and is always wondering how I’m doing. (She knows I have terrible anxiety problems. And she especially texts me to see how I am doing with a guy that I may like.)

SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED WHILE I AM TYPING THIS. So, this guy had found me on Tinder the other day, and instead of waiting for me to swipe right for him (which, let’s be honest, would have never happened because I no longer try to find people on Tinder) he decided to just look me up on Facebook. Kind of surprised he found me, but at the same time… I don’t have a common name, so it probably wasn’t hard to do. Well, he JUST messaged me to say he had been thinking about me quite a bit today. I don’t know how that happens.

I’ve always felt so plain. The only time I felt like I would ever get noticed was when I’d dye my hair funky, crazy colors (which I need to do again) but, it turns out I get noticed just by being me. No matter how invisible you think you are, you most likely aren’t. There’s at least one person noticing you, even if you don’t realize it.

Have a nice night, or day, or whatever it is for you right now. Love to all!

 

 

The Edge of Seventeen

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**SPOILERS!! POSSIBLE SPOILERS**

This is kind of a review of the 2016 movie The Edge of Seventeen. If you haven’t heard of it, and you like drama/comedies, I highly recommend that you watch this movie. I loved it. 

You have been warned, there will be spoilers further down in this post. Read at your own risk. 

The Edge of Seventeen is a drama/comedy starring Hailee Steinfeld and Woody Harrelson. I found it in the comedy section, but it had far more drama than I expected. It hurt my heart, it hurt it so good. 

The movie is about a seventeen year-old girl, her father had passed away a few years ago and she only really has one friend. She’s different. Not bad different… I felt like I could relate to her a lot (probably why it hurt my heart so much)… Just different. 

Long story short, she ends her since-second-grade friendship with her best friend after her friend starts dating her brother and won’t choose between the two. So Naideen (Hailee Steinfeld-the main character of the movie) terminated their friendship. In her eyes, he life was going to complete shit. 

I absolutely adored Woody Harrelson’s character the most. He played as Naideen’s teacher, and (what I believe to be) a big part of the movie. He’s a complete asshole, in many ways. He could be rather rude towards Naideen, and as a teacher it was rather unexpected with how rude he could get. But he had a soft spot. He gave her his number in case she had any problems. Well, when she goes to hang out with this boy she had a major crush on, and he’s just there for a fuck, Harrelson’s character swooped in as soon as Naideen called him. I knew I liked him for a reason. 

I don’t want to spoiled too much more of the movie, but it did have a lovely ending, and I am extremely happy with the movie as a whole. It made paying $30 for it well worth it. (Yes, it was $30… I’m not too sure why… Probably because I bought it at Barnes and Noble because FYE didn’t have it). 

But, I give this movie a 4.9 out of 5 JUST because I feel weird rating movies as straight 5’s. It was really good and I recommend it to anyone that is willing to watch it. I know I’m certainly going to try and get several of my friends to watch it with me. And I’m definitely going to have to watch it again by myself so I can cry as much as I wanted to during it. 

That’s all for tonight. Hope you enjoyed. À bientôt. Goodnight. 

After Taste

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Have you ever tasted, or smelled, something and it instantly brought you back to a certain person or place? The taste/smell doesn’t even have to be bad… for me, it was a wonderful taste, but it was very upsetting with what memory instantly came to mind.

I am hit with nostalgia very often with scents and tastes. It actually pushes me into a panic, even if the memory was good, and I’m not too sure why. Whether it’s the changing weather, or if the lights are a little brighter than normal at work… even the spray paint and some smells at work will bring me back to when I was a child.

Work makes me think of when I would go to the bowling alley every weekend as a child. Some of the smells just makes me think of the stuff my parents and their friends would use to clean their bowling balls.

The changing weather, I think, takes me back to when I was in school. So does when a room is a bit brighter than it normally is. School always put me into a panicked state, so I think that’s why the brighter, warmer weather also makes me feel that way. Or maybe it’s just because I am terrible with change and it takes me a little longer than some to adjust to new things.

Smells… perfume, cologne, laundry. Flowers, candles, books. A lot of the time they bring back a good memory. I had picked up a book the other day… actually, I think it was a dvd case… so I opened a dvd case the other day, and the smell of the inside of it instantly made me think  of a book that I read when I was in (I think) middle school. Chocolate Fever by Robert Kimmel Smith. I was actually very scared of that book. I don’t really remember why. But that was the very first thing that came to my mind when the smell of that dvd case hit me.

It’s funny how certain smells and feels can bring back things that you haven’t thought of in years. It’s an interesting thing.

I hope you’ve had a great day, keep it up. Have a good night and have a happy Friday tomorrow.

i am done

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Done with today. Done with tomorrow. I am done with the rest of this week. Pause. Rain-check. Fast forward. Can it be over? Nothing bad has happened… besides the normal bullshit of living with someone you despise entirely. I just want to wait to do tomorrow. Can I get a time turner?

I am not going to go to work tomorrow… okay… that is a lie… I am going to go because I am an adult that has bills to pay. But I don’t want to go. I, with all my heart and soul, just want to lay in bed all day. I want to sleep. I want silence. SILENCE. I want to watch movies without any background noise leaking into my room from my roommate who has to play her music far louder than necessary.

What I really want is to watch Tim Burton movies all day. It’s my favorite thing to do, especially when I’m sick. Although I am not sick right now, I still feel the need to watch them all. So who wants to join me in this marathon? No one? Okay.

This week actually has been fairly good. As well as last week, for the most part. I get to go check out the designs for my tattoos this Saturday, and I also received my VERY FIRST credit card in the mail last Saturday. Go me! I have yet to actually use it though. I have subscribed to ipsy with it… but I have not been charged for the subscription yet so I still count that as not being used.

Speaking of ipsy… I am BEYOND excited for my subscription to actually start. I LOVE to do my makeup. Even though I barely ever actually do it, I still enjoy my face when I actually put effort into my looks. So, my sister (along with my own convincing) talked me into subscribing to ipsy… and we may even make our own YouTube channel for it because I guess people would actually want to watch us “unbox” our bags. I do have to say, though, I am rather excited for that too. I am not an “in front of the camera” kind of person. I hate my picture being taken unless I am for sure sure that I will not look like complete and utter shit. But, something about doing these videos gives me some sort of spark. I want to be seen, especially if I have a full face of makeup on (let’s be honest here… that’s probably where my confidence will be coming from) and I have already seen quite a few people say that they would instantly subscribe to our channel. So… yay us? I actually think it’ll be pretty cool. I certainly can’t wait until I receive my first bag!

Well, I am done for today. I am very tired. I can’t think of anything else to say. I’m not that exciting but I appreciate you reading anyway, so thank you! Talk again soon. Goodnight.

 

I’m fine…

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I tell myself this every time I start going through an episode… I’m fine… I’m okay… Nothing is wrong. BUT I have a terrible poker face… in person and through text… so as soon as I say I’m okay, everyone can tell I certainly am not just by looking at me. Some dismiss it as that though. They know I am not okay (or they truly believe that I am fine) but they don’t pester me to express what is going through my mind.

My friend, that I no longer talk to… or I suppose I should say that no longer talks to me because it was his choice to terminate the friendship… always knew when something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine.” “We both know what that means, now tell me what’s wrong?” I actually miss stuff like that. I miss being able to say I was fine and someone knowing that I really wasn’t. That they knew that was my way of saying “No, I’m not okay. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” Yeah, I know I could just say that instead… but to me, that’s what “fine” is. Fine is not fine… If I say I’m fine, 93% of the time I’ve got something weighing down on my mind.

I don’t like to admit when something is wrong. I don’t want to bother people with my problems. I would use those words as a cushion. If they took it as that, then I left it. They probably wouldn’t want to listen to my complaints and worries anyway. But.. if they did dig for the answer… a small weight would lift off of me, and it would feel easier to express my thoughts to them. Some people it takes a little more egging than others to get me to open up my worries to them, but that’s mainly because of my fear that once I tell them, they will just leave. But once I feel fully comfortable with you, it doesn’t take much for me to unleash everything that brings me down. I also don’t like to seem so negative. I know I’m not always negative, but when I’m in a slump I feel like that’s all that comes out, and I don’t want people to associate me with how negative I am. (I honestly think I can be rather positive at times. I don’t think I’m always negative but I know I have my moments.)

It’s so much easier for me to open up to a complete strange. Which… is that weird? No? Yes? I feel less judged by someone I barely know. Especially when I haven’t actually met them. I don’t know why I find security in that. Maybe because the most they can do is not reply… and since I don’t, or barely, know them… it isn’t a loss. But the thought of someone walking away that I actually know and enjoy being around… that scares me.

I’ve been told I care too much about what others think… and it’s true. I know. I’m not even sure what made me care so much. My mom tells me that is one of my strongest attributes. Not the fact that I care so much about what others think, but the fact that I care so much in general.

I suppose I’ll end this here. If you happen to know me personally, and you think something is wrong or I’m bothered by something, there is a very good chance that you are right. And like I said, I’m terrible at hiding it. Please, bare with me… I know I can be a handful, but your support will always help me through this. I bought sticky notes that I want to start sticking to my walls with inspirational quotes.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great rest of the night. See you around.