I’m fine…

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I tell myself this every time I start going through an episode… I’m fine… I’m okay… Nothing is wrong. BUT I have a terrible poker face… in person and through text… so as soon as I say I’m okay, everyone can tell I certainly am not just by looking at me. Some dismiss it as that though. They know I am not okay (or they truly believe that I am fine) but they don’t pester me to express what is going through my mind.

My friend, that I no longer talk to… or I suppose I should say that no longer talks to me because it was his choice to terminate the friendship… always knew when something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine.” “We both know what that means, now tell me what’s wrong?” I actually miss stuff like that. I miss being able to say I was fine and someone knowing that I really wasn’t. That they knew that was my way of saying “No, I’m not okay. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” Yeah, I know I could just say that instead… but to me, that’s what “fine” is. Fine is not fine… If I say I’m fine, 93% of the time I’ve got something weighing down on my mind.

I don’t like to admit when something is wrong. I don’t want to bother people with my problems. I would use those words as a cushion. If they took it as that, then I left it. They probably wouldn’t want to listen to my complaints and worries anyway. But.. if they did dig for the answer… a small weight would lift off of me, and it would feel easier to express my thoughts to them. Some people it takes a little more egging than others to get me to open up my worries to them, but that’s mainly because of my fear that once I tell them, they will just leave. But once I feel fully comfortable with you, it doesn’t take much for me to unleash everything that brings me down. I also don’t like to seem so negative. I know I’m not always negative, but when I’m in a slump I feel like that’s all that comes out, and I don’t want people to associate me with how negative I am. (I honestly think I can be rather positive at times. I don’t think I’m always negative but I know I have my moments.)

It’s so much easier for me to open up to a complete strange. Which… is that weird? No? Yes? I feel less judged by someone I barely know. Especially when I haven’t actually met them. I don’t know why I find security in that. Maybe because the most they can do is not reply… and since I don’t, or barely, know them… it isn’t a loss. But the thought of someone walking away that I actually know and enjoy being around… that scares me.

I’ve been told I care too much about what others think… and it’s true. I know. I’m not even sure what made me care so much. My mom tells me that is one of my strongest attributes. Not the fact that I care so much about what others think, but the fact that I care so much in general.

I suppose I’ll end this here. If you happen to know me personally, and you think something is wrong or I’m bothered by something, there is a very good chance that you are right. And like I said, I’m terrible at hiding it. Please, bare with me… I know I can be a handful, but your support will always help me through this. I bought sticky notes that I want to start sticking to my walls with inspirational quotes.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great rest of the night. See you around.

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