Goals: post this one no matter how personal I end up making it… no going back, already typing it so might as well finish one for once.
I’ve actually tried to blog about topics like this quite a bit, but I start to fight with myself about it and ultimately decide to just leave it as a draft. This one will be different. I’m going to push myself all the way to the end, no matter how much I tell myself to quit.
I have a serious problem with inner demons… if you even want to call them that? I fight with myself internally on a pretty regular basis. Don’t say that! Don’t do that! What were you thinking, you look like an idiot. I wonder if they’re thinking about what you said/did. I get stuck on some things like that, and hours can pass by and it’s still on my mind. Because of that, it always leads me back to if it’s still on other peoples’ minds.
I have an even bigger problem with texting. I had a friend that would take forever to reply to me. Sometimes he was busy with work or something of that sort, but most of the time he was just playing video games. I would text him WAY too much because I enjoyed talking to him and I was scared that I would never get a response from him again. Why did I have this fear? Because it had happened twice with him already. Why did I continue to want to be so close with him? Fuck if I know. Probably because when we did talk, we were very close and could talk about almost anything. He knew about my anxiety problems and seemed like he genuinely cared about my mental health. Why did he stop talking to me several times then? I’m not going to get into that… I’m not entirely sure all of the reasons. Maybe I was just too naive when he would talk to me again. I don’t open up to many people about my problems with anxiety, but the ones that I do, I find a lot of comfort when talking to them, like I did when I would talk to him. I know, everyone is different, and you can’t compare everything to one experience… and this paragraph is getting really long…
…I’m starting a new one just to break that one up… anyway… you can’t base everything off of one experience. But sometimes that’s hard. I try not to let them get to me, but they still do. He would get mad at me for apologizing too much, which in turn, would make me apologize more. He found it to be extremely annoying. I didn’t mean to be. I actually would sit there and fight with myself to not apologize to him, and now, I fight with myself to not apologize to anyone. (To clarify, I mean about things that I cannot control, or my feelings. Not like, oh I accidentally hurt someone, don’t you dare apologize! Not that at all.) Or like for my anxiety. When I would panic over something he said or did, I would apologize profusely. I had no reason to apologize, and it annoyed him a lot when I did. Eventually, he got used to it but I still fought with myself to not apologize