For Mr. Lile.

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Since you demanded a post, I’ve got one right here ready for you to read.

I’ve been waiting for something interesting to happen to me and I’ve finally got the perfect gem to write about.

I have discovered that one of my friends of the longest time, we share a deeper connection than I could have imagined. As of recent, since we’ve graduated high school, we’ve grown closer than ever before. We may not talk every day, sometimes we’ll go weeks without talking, but when we do talk, it’s like we never stopped.

The thing I love most about this friendship, is how freaky it has become. And when I say freaky, I mean… I cannot explain how this keeps happening. The last several times, it seems like whenever I think of her, that very same day she texts me out of the blue. Just to see how I’m doing and if I’m alright.

I just got a new phone and her number did not transfer to it when I activated it, so I hadn’t been able to text her whenever I thought of her (she no longer has her Facebook so texting is the only way of communication we have if we aren’t in person). I knew I didn’t have to worry about that though because I knew it wouldn’t take long before she texted me again to see how I was doing. It’s been about a week or two since I got the new phone, and this morning, is when I discovered we are more than just best friends. We are soul sisters.

This morning, I had a dream about her. I cannot give you any details of the dream other than I she was in it. Everything else I am drawing a blank on. I remember a lot of white, and maybe a table? And her parents were part of the dream. Well, when I woke up, I got the gut feeling that she would text me today. As my day went on I gradually forgot about the dream… until it actually happened. She texted me. Yes, she actually texted me. It is not the first time that I’ve thought of her and had the feeling that she’d try and text me that day and then she has. We’ve discussed how freaky it is and how connected we have to be for this to keep happening. And it has happened almost every time she’s texted me for almost a year now.

We are so alike it isn’t funny. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She is my best friend. She understands me on a level that no one else could. She’s helped me so much through so many things and she is so patient with my feelings and opening up about things. I can’t explain the premonitious (I don’t care if that’s not a word, I just made it one) feelings that we have that tell us when the other is wanting to talk… but I find it to be one of the coolest things and I am thrilled to share it with such an amazing person.

Void

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Some nights are incredibly lonely. Tonight is one of those nights. When your throat has tightened up and you can feel every beat of your heart painfully against your chest. Tears stream out of your eyes with every gasped breath. It hurts to swallow. You can’t move. Your body has gone numb. You don’t have long to fall asleep, but you aren’t tired. The ones you feel like could help you through it aren’t responding. You don’t want to bother anyone else. You hardly wasn’t too bother those who you feel could help. Sometimes they’re your only hope. 

Every noise becomes brought out. The tick of a clock. The drip of a faucet. The hum of silence. They pierce your ears and you grow angry with every sound you hear. Louder and louder until the hum is like the constant splash of a water fall. You can’t block it out. Your hands won’t cover the noise. So you lay there and breathe. And cry. You hold yourself tight because that’s the only comfort you can find in the attack. You grip tight with your hands. You clench your teeth. Your eyes shut. Till you finally drift off to sleep. 

The Beyond

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I know a lot of people don’t believe in this stuff… I know a lot of people also say NEVER to fuck with this stuff… And by “this stuff” I mean spirits and Ouija boards. 

I had always been skeptical about Ouija boards. I played with one once with a friend a year or two ago but it seemed like it was all a joke. I thought my friend was moving the piece and answering the questions. I’m still not sure if it was them moving the piece that time. 

Yesterday, another friend of mine and I went to the mall. We went to Spencers and there we found a Ouija board. It was about $30 and we sorta convinced each other to go halvies on it. We tried it last night. He did the chanting at first and nothing happened. After a bit more research we figured maybe we both have to do the opening chant. Well, the piece moved. I thought it was him at first. Maybe he was fucking with me. But after a couple of questions and the piece moving a couple of times to the yes, he wanted to say goodbye. So we said goodbye ’til the piece moved all the way to the bottom. He was freaked. He asked me multiple times if I was moving the piece. I swore to him, it wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. I would never do that because I know I would hate it if someone else was trying to control the piece as a joke. That’s when I decided that I don’t think he was messing with the piece. He was genuinely freaked out that it moved and I know for a fact I was not the one moving it. I never thought before that Ouija boards legitimately worked… But after this weekend, I think I may actually believe in them. 

Today

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Days like today, I feel like I’m hard to talk to. I don’t put much towards the conversations and I say “lol” way too much to try and mask the way I’m feeling. They may not notice it, but I feel like the way I text changes completely when I’m under this cloud.

I spend too much time on Facebook because I don’t know how else to distract my mind. Days like today I just need someone here with me to talk to, to laugh with. To stay busy. Texting helps a little, but I can always pause between words in a text and get trapped in my thoughts. That’s not as easy when you have someone to physically talk to.
My appetite is gone. My head hurts. I’m tired. The day is moving too fast but also so slow. I want to go do something, but everyone seems too be busy or unable to. I feel trapped. 

Pretty Little Invisible

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Fingers crossed I actually post this one! I have been having a problem where I will start to write a post and then get self-conscious and just leave it as a draft… i.e. I was typing a blog about my lack of confidence the other night and decided I didn’t want to put it out there yet. Anywho, let’s begin.

I have never felt like someone that gets noticed. I’ve always felt like I blended into the background. In high school, I would walk from point A to point B and that was it. I never really mingled in the halls. I was never really approached by anyone I didn’t really know, and if I was, it was them asking if I was a lesbian… fyi… I am very much so NOT a lesbian. If there was ever a time where someone approached me on a friendly level, I can’t recall it now. There was probably only one or two instances.

It isn’t just about being noticed in a crowd either. I feel like I never cross anyone’s mind. I feel like I’m just there and as soon as I leave they never think about me until I see them again or if I try to talk to them. I’ve come to notice though, that isn’t always the case. I have started to see that I get noticed a lot more than I think, and I am thought of a lot more than I would have imagined.

For starters, a couple weeks ago this guy came up to me at work after our 6 o’clock safety meeting in the morning. He had two coffees in his hand and he said one of them was for me. “Oh… thanks… who is it from?” I was rather sleepy at the time, and was incredibly happy to have coffee to wake myself up. “It’s from me.” I don’t know if I made a surprised, dumb face or not… but I was blown away at the thought that this stranger had even thought to bring me coffee that morning. And, boy, did I need it. That week had been shit so him doing that completely turned my day around. It was a Friday, too. What a great way to end the week. Anyway, my point is, he had noticed me. He had actually noticed me a couple weeks prior to him bringing me coffee, but had only just then decided to try and talk to me.

Another instance, a guy that was a grade or two ahead of me in high school messaged me on Facebook the other day. I had no clue he even knew that I existed. Truth be told, I thought he was totally hot in high school. Turns out, he had noticed that I had liked a couple of his statuses, and he had even liked a couple of mine, and he remembered me from school. So he decided to send me a message. He did the thing I hate. He told me his name even though I could clearly see who he was from his profile. I overlooked it though because I was shocked to have gotten a message from him. After talking to him for a good portion of the day, I decided to ask him why he decided to message me. He told me what I had explained about how he noticed I liked his stuff and remembered me from high school. I laughed. I told him I didn’t think he ever noticed me. And that’s when he told me “you tend to notice people you think are cute”,Sir… did you just tell me I’m cute???? I mean… I know I am now… but back in high school??? (Sorry for that conceited comment… but I think I look absolutely great sometimes now.) He’s actually a lot nicer than I thought he would be.

You want to know another? I’ve talked to this guy on and off for years now. Normally he would be the one to initiate the conversation, and every time he did I would just kind of be taken aback by it because we had never actually met, so the fact that he would think to message me amazed me. It also surprised me because I feel like I sound less interested (even though I normally am) in conversations when I don’t fully know the person, so the fact that he continued to try and talk to me made me happy. Every couple of weeks or months or so I’d get a message and we’d talk for a bit. I’m just like… wow… people actually want to talk to me? (We have actually met now, and I try to talk to him more. I enjoy his company.)

My best friend, she and I don’t talk all that often. (I mean, we do but we don’t?) We go days and weeks without talking sometimes, but our friendship stays as strong as if we were messaging each other every day. It still surprises me though when she randomly messages me to see how I’m doing. At first it would make me panic, because she would always be really concerned about how I was and I would instantly think something was wrong or she knew something that I didn’t know. Since then, I have gotten used to these texts and they no longer make me panic. They make me feel really happy knowing she thinks about me randomly like that and is always wondering how I’m doing. (She knows I have terrible anxiety problems. And she especially texts me to see how I am doing with a guy that I may like.)

SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED WHILE I AM TYPING THIS. So, this guy had found me on Tinder the other day, and instead of waiting for me to swipe right for him (which, let’s be honest, would have never happened because I no longer try to find people on Tinder) he decided to just look me up on Facebook. Kind of surprised he found me, but at the same time… I don’t have a common name, so it probably wasn’t hard to do. Well, he JUST messaged me to say he had been thinking about me quite a bit today. I don’t know how that happens.

I’ve always felt so plain. The only time I felt like I would ever get noticed was when I’d dye my hair funky, crazy colors (which I need to do again) but, it turns out I get noticed just by being me. No matter how invisible you think you are, you most likely aren’t. There’s at least one person noticing you, even if you don’t realize it.

Have a nice night, or day, or whatever it is for you right now. Love to all!

 

 

The Edge of Seventeen

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**SPOILERS!! POSSIBLE SPOILERS**

This is kind of a review of the 2016 movie The Edge of Seventeen. If you haven’t heard of it, and you like drama/comedies, I highly recommend that you watch this movie. I loved it. 

You have been warned, there will be spoilers further down in this post. Read at your own risk. 

The Edge of Seventeen is a drama/comedy starring Hailee Steinfeld and Woody Harrelson. I found it in the comedy section, but it had far more drama than I expected. It hurt my heart, it hurt it so good. 

The movie is about a seventeen year-old girl, her father had passed away a few years ago and she only really has one friend. She’s different. Not bad different… I felt like I could relate to her a lot (probably why it hurt my heart so much)… Just different. 

Long story short, she ends her since-second-grade friendship with her best friend after her friend starts dating her brother and won’t choose between the two. So Naideen (Hailee Steinfeld-the main character of the movie) terminated their friendship. In her eyes, he life was going to complete shit. 

I absolutely adored Woody Harrelson’s character the most. He played as Naideen’s teacher, and (what I believe to be) a big part of the movie. He’s a complete asshole, in many ways. He could be rather rude towards Naideen, and as a teacher it was rather unexpected with how rude he could get. But he had a soft spot. He gave her his number in case she had any problems. Well, when she goes to hang out with this boy she had a major crush on, and he’s just there for a fuck, Harrelson’s character swooped in as soon as Naideen called him. I knew I liked him for a reason. 

I don’t want to spoiled too much more of the movie, but it did have a lovely ending, and I am extremely happy with the movie as a whole. It made paying $30 for it well worth it. (Yes, it was $30… I’m not too sure why… Probably because I bought it at Barnes and Noble because FYE didn’t have it). 

But, I give this movie a 4.9 out of 5 JUST because I feel weird rating movies as straight 5’s. It was really good and I recommend it to anyone that is willing to watch it. I know I’m certainly going to try and get several of my friends to watch it with me. And I’m definitely going to have to watch it again by myself so I can cry as much as I wanted to during it. 

That’s all for tonight. Hope you enjoyed. À bientôt. Goodnight. 

After Taste

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Have you ever tasted, or smelled, something and it instantly brought you back to a certain person or place? The taste/smell doesn’t even have to be bad… for me, it was a wonderful taste, but it was very upsetting with what memory instantly came to mind.

I am hit with nostalgia very often with scents and tastes. It actually pushes me into a panic, even if the memory was good, and I’m not too sure why. Whether it’s the changing weather, or if the lights are a little brighter than normal at work… even the spray paint and some smells at work will bring me back to when I was a child.

Work makes me think of when I would go to the bowling alley every weekend as a child. Some of the smells just makes me think of the stuff my parents and their friends would use to clean their bowling balls.

The changing weather, I think, takes me back to when I was in school. So does when a room is a bit brighter than it normally is. School always put me into a panicked state, so I think that’s why the brighter, warmer weather also makes me feel that way. Or maybe it’s just because I am terrible with change and it takes me a little longer than some to adjust to new things.

Smells… perfume, cologne, laundry. Flowers, candles, books. A lot of the time they bring back a good memory. I had picked up a book the other day… actually, I think it was a dvd case… so I opened a dvd case the other day, and the smell of the inside of it instantly made me think  of a book that I read when I was in (I think) middle school. Chocolate Fever by Robert Kimmel Smith. I was actually very scared of that book. I don’t really remember why. But that was the very first thing that came to my mind when the smell of that dvd case hit me.

It’s funny how certain smells and feels can bring back things that you haven’t thought of in years. It’s an interesting thing.

I hope you’ve had a great day, keep it up. Have a good night and have a happy Friday tomorrow.