After Taste

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Have you ever tasted, or smelled, something and it instantly brought you back to a certain person or place? The taste/smell doesn’t even have to be bad… for me, it was a wonderful taste, but it was very upsetting with what memory instantly came to mind.

I am hit with nostalgia very often with scents and tastes. It actually pushes me into a panic, even if the memory was good, and I’m not too sure why. Whether it’s the changing weather, or if the lights are a little brighter than normal at work… even the spray paint and some smells at work will bring me back to when I was a child.

Work makes me think of when I would go to the bowling alley every weekend as a child. Some of the smells just makes me think of the stuff my parents and their friends would use to clean their bowling balls.

The changing weather, I think, takes me back to when I was in school. So does when a room is a bit brighter than it normally is. School always put me into a panicked state, so I think that’s why the brighter, warmer weather also makes me feel that way. Or maybe it’s just because I am terrible with change and it takes me a little longer than some to adjust to new things.

Smells… perfume, cologne, laundry. Flowers, candles, books. A lot of the time they bring back a good memory. I had picked up a book the other day… actually, I think it was a dvd case… so I opened a dvd case the other day, and the smell of the inside of it instantly made me thinkĀ  of a book that I read when I was in (I think) middle school. Chocolate Fever by Robert Kimmel Smith. I was actually very scared of that book. I don’t really remember why. But that was the very first thing that came to my mind when the smell of that dvd case hit me.

It’s funny how certain smells and feels can bring back things that you haven’t thought of in years. It’s an interesting thing.

I hope you’ve had a great day, keep it up. Have a good night and have a happy Friday tomorrow.

i am done

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Done with today. Done with tomorrow. I am done with the rest of this week. Pause. Rain-check. Fast forward. Can it be over? Nothing bad has happened… besides the normal bullshit of living with someone you despise entirely. I just want to wait to do tomorrow. Can I get a time turner?

I am not going to go to work tomorrow… okay… that is a lie… I am going to go because I am an adult that has bills to pay. But I don’t want to go. I, with all my heart and soul, just want to lay in bed all day. I want to sleep. I want silence. SILENCE. I want to watch movies without any background noise leaking into my room from my roommate who has to play her music far louder than necessary.

What I really want is to watch Tim Burton movies all day. It’s my favorite thing to do, especially when I’m sick. Although I am not sick right now, I still feel the need to watch them all. So who wants to join me in this marathon? No one? Okay.

This week actually has been fairly good. As well as last week, for the most part. I get to go check out the designs for my tattoos this Saturday, and I also received my VERY FIRST credit card in the mail last Saturday. Go me! I have yet to actually use it though. I have subscribed to ipsy with it… but I have not been charged for the subscription yet so I still count that as not being used.

Speaking of ipsy… I am BEYOND excited for my subscription to actually start. I LOVE to do my makeup. Even though I barely ever actually do it, I still enjoy my face when I actually put effort into my looks. So, my sister (along with my own convincing) talked me into subscribing to ipsy… and we may even make our own YouTube channel for it because I guess people would actually want to watch us “unbox” our bags. I do have to say, though, I am rather excited for that too. I am not an “in front of the camera” kind of person. I hate my picture being taken unless I am for sure sure that I will not look like complete and utter shit. But, something about doing these videos gives me some sort of spark. I want to be seen, especially if I have a full face of makeup on (let’s be honest here… that’s probably where my confidence will be coming from) and I have already seen quite a few people say that they would instantly subscribe to our channel. So… yay us? I actually think it’ll be pretty cool. I certainly can’t wait until I receive my first bag!

Well, I am done for today. I am very tired. I can’t think of anything else to say. I’m not that exciting but I appreciate you reading anyway, so thank you! Talk again soon. Goodnight.

 

I’m fine…

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I tell myself this every time I start going through an episode… I’m fine… I’m okay… Nothing is wrong. BUT I have a terrible poker face… in person and through text… so as soon as I say I’m okay, everyone can tell I certainly am not just by looking at me. Some dismiss it as that though. They know I am not okay (or they truly believe that I am fine) but they don’t pester me to express what is going through my mind.

My friend, that I no longer talk to… or I suppose I should say that no longer talks to me because it was his choice to terminate the friendship… always knew when something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine.” “We both know what that means, now tell me what’s wrong?” I actually miss stuff like that. I miss being able to say I was fine and someone knowing that I really wasn’t. That they knew that was my way of saying “No, I’m not okay. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” Yeah, I know I could just say that instead… but to me, that’s what “fine” is. Fine is not fine… If I say I’m fine, 93% of the time I’ve got something weighing down on my mind.

I don’t like to admit when something is wrong. I don’t want to bother people with my problems. I would use those words as a cushion. If they took it as that, then I left it. They probably wouldn’t want to listen to my complaints and worries anyway. But.. if they did dig for the answer… a small weight would lift off of me, and it would feel easier to express my thoughts to them. Some people it takes a little more egging than others to get me to open up my worries to them, but that’s mainly because of my fear that once I tell them, they will just leave. But once I feel fully comfortable with you, it doesn’t take much for me to unleash everything that brings me down. I also don’t like to seem so negative. I know I’m not always negative, but when I’m in a slump I feel like that’s all that comes out, and I don’t want people to associate me with how negative I am. (I honestly think I can be rather positive at times. I don’t think I’m always negative but I know I have my moments.)

It’s so much easier for me to open up to a complete strange. Which… is that weird? No? Yes? I feel less judged by someone I barely know. Especially when I haven’t actually met them. I don’t know why I find security in that. Maybe because the most they can do is not reply… and since I don’t, or barely, know them… it isn’t a loss. But the thought of someone walking away that I actually know and enjoy being around… that scares me.

I’ve been told I care too much about what others think… and it’s true. I know. I’m not even sure what made me care so much. My mom tells me that is one of my strongest attributes. Not the fact that I care so much about what others think, but the fact that I care so much in general.

I suppose I’ll end this here. If you happen to know me personally, and you think something is wrong or I’m bothered by something, there is a very good chance that you are right. And like I said, I’m terrible at hiding it. Please, bare with me… I know I can be a handful, but your support will always help me through this. I bought sticky notes that I want to start sticking to my walls with inspirational quotes.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great rest of the night. See you around.

Here’s My Title

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I make strong attachments to people. Some of them I have never met before, but talking to them still brings me joy and I wouldn’t want to lose contact with them. Well, I just had a great scare where I thought I would never be able to talk to one of them again because the account I use to talk to a group of them decided to fuck up.

It had been a while since I talked to them, but I still checked in on the conversation every now and again to see how things were going. I eventually had to update the app in order to continue talking to them, and after a few months of being busy and procrastination, I made enough space in my phone to update the app and talk to them again. Well, a couple days after that, something in my account “changed”. I’m not sure what changed, or how, or why… but it prevented me from talking to them and I couldn’t remember my password to log back in. I was instantly rushed with panic with the fear of never being able to talk to any of them again, mainly one that I grew very fond of and could talk to about anything. I had tried clearing the data from the app and opening it back up (which would normally automatically log me back in) but it wasn’t that simple. I needed to know my password to get back in.

I tried every password that made sense for it to be. I tried variations of the same password. After several attempts, I was able to get back in (using a password I could have sworn I tried typing in days before). I’m not too sure what it is about them, that makes me want to continue talking to them, even though I have never met them in person and we all live in different states… but like I said before… I make strong attachments to people. And if I happen to develop an attachment to you, you are very special to me and I don’t want to lose you from my life.

TMI Alert

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Fair warning, right now, everything in this post is going to be very TMI. I will be talking about periods so, if you happen to actually know me… and you don’t want to know too much… don’t read this. Now, I know some of you will take that as a challenge and continue to read… and if you do… for the love of God, please do not ever bring this post up to me. I already feel weird about putting this out there, but I feel like I should talk about it.

Well, here it goes. Last chance to back out…

No?

Okay, I warned you.

How do I start this? Have you ever heard of “The Diva Cup”? If not, it is a menstrual product… some find it to be rather disgusting. It is a reusable cup that is advertised to be leak-free and easy-to-use (it says so on the box). When I first heard about it that’s what I thought. Ew, I’ll never use that. Well… I guess that was a lie.

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The Diva Cup models 1 & 2

I purchased this product last month (model 1 for those under the age of 30 and have not given childbirth) after my period had started. Even though I thought it was rather gross when I first heard about it, after a lot of consideration, I decided it might be a good idea and investment. Pads and tampons are such a hassle sometimes. Especially when Aunt Flo decides to visit early or you have a heavier flow and are required to change more often. I do not enjoy having to purchase these items every month or two, especially when I’m not keeping track of my period and it just pops up on me. So I decided to give this a try.

Since my period was already in full swing, and I hadn’t built up the courage yet, I told myself I would try the cup out for the next one. So here I am… giving my review on it. My period started yesterday, right as I was getting off work. It was a day late but I was fully expecting it to make it’s appearance yesterday because of how nauseated I was and I was beginning to have subtle cramps. If it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted to dye my hair yesterday and ended up having a friend over, I probably would have started my experiment yesterday as soon as I got home, but instead I am trying it today.

Before I say anything else, I feel the need to let you all know that I, at times, can have really bad anxiety… those of you that know me, and how dare you for actually continuing to read this, already know this about me. That being said, trying to use the cup was rather terrifying. I knew how to use it, I had watched video reviews on this product before I even purchased it, but it was new to me. I can’t use tampons due to toxic shock that I guess is pretty bad in my family, so I’m not used to really having to put anything up there…

Inserting it wasn’t all that hard (I decided on the squatting approach while in the shower), but as soon as it was in and, I assume, in place, I instantly had a panic attack. I was beyond scared I wouldn’t be able to take it back out. I couldn’t feel it at all really (which is good, you aren’t supposed to be able to feel it). Since I couldn’t feel it though, I wasn’t sure exactly how far in it was. For a couple of minutes I was constantly checking to make sure it was still where it was supposed to be.

After checking it multiple times, I decided to just try and take it out. It was a little difficult at first. I was rather nervous about if it would hurt coming out since it’s basically suctioned to your cervix, but that part didn’t hurt at all. Since I wasn’t fully relaxed though, it did hurt a little to fully remove the cup. I decided to just leave it alone and try another time. Well, that isn’t happening.

After I finished washing up, I decided to try one more time. I was able to insert it a lot easier this time, and, again, cannot feel it. Some people have complaints about the stem being uncomfortable, but I can’t feel it at all. It’s rather comfortable as of right now. I was able to sit down no problem.

It’s only been about an hour now, and I haven’t done too much moving around since I have been writing this post for almost the whole time. BUT, I think this might be something I will be comfortable with continuing to use. Of course, you will have to take it out throughout the day to empty it, but so far I like it. I am going to continue to wear a pad with it for now since this is my first time using it, but hopefully it works how it says it will.

Maybe I will make a follow up post of what I think of The Diva Cup after I’ve tried it a little more. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a fabulous day!

Morning Thought

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4 o’clock in the morning. (Actually 4:05 because I try to stay in bed as long as I possibly can and still have time to get ready.) I force myself out of bed to begin my morning routine before work. Since it’s so early, or late for those who can still stay awake until this time, it’s still dark out. I’m quick to turn on the lights in any of the rooms I enter because I’m beyond scared to be alone in the dark. 

I go to brush my teeth and hear noises coming from the living room. My first thought was, oh my God… I’m going to have to try and defend myself with just a toothbrush. I can barely throw a punch.. How am I going to stop an attacker with just a toothbrush? 

Of course, there wasn’t anyone there. Anyone that has been over knows I have a rabbit that stays in the living room/dining room area. She/he/it (not quite sure the gender, but starting to lean towards girl) can be quite noisy, especially at night. I’ve gotten used to it now, but I used to lay in bed trying to figure out what that noise was. 

Too tired to figure out how to end this… So have a wonderful day. 

Forgot a Title

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Today was wonderful. For the first time in the past week, today was absolutely glorious. A week may not seem like a long time, but when something is making you feel worse and worse every day, it’s great when you get that one day that isn’t complete shit.

Surprisingly enough, I woke up on time for work after only getting three and a half hours of sleep. I was on some kind of high the whole day. I felt good. I felt happy. Nothing was bringing me down. My favorite team members and I laughed the whole day while we worked. We had little to no issues with the parts we were putting together, and we had a plant meeting at 1:30 which made it so we could leave as soon as it was over. Didn’t even have to stay until 3:30 today. Not that it would have been a bad thing, I would have enjoyed the extra money, but I also just wanted to relax since my body was not fully energized after the meeting. You would think being able to sit for an hour after having to stand all day would be amazing… it is not. I almost fall asleep every time we have a meeting.Then my ass hurts from sitting on the uncomfortable chair/stool things.It just isn’t fun.

Thanking God that tomorrow is Friday. Honestly thought yesterday was Tuesday. Don’t know how I made that mistake… but I didn’t find out it was actually Wednesday until like……….. 8.. 9.. 10  o’clock-ish. I don’t remember, I wasn’t paying attention to the time. But it made today even better once I discovered it would be Thursday. I had a great night and a great day. Hoping tomorrow will be just as good.