Void

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Some nights are incredibly lonely. Tonight is one of those nights. When your throat has tightened up and you can feel every beat of your heart painfully against your chest. Tears stream out of your eyes with every gasped breath. It hurts to swallow. You can’t move. Your body has gone numb. You don’t have long to fall asleep, but you aren’t tired. The ones you feel like could help you through it aren’t responding. You don’t want to bother anyone else. You hardly wasn’t too bother those who you feel could help. Sometimes they’re your only hope. 

Every noise becomes brought out. The tick of a clock. The drip of a faucet. The hum of silence. They pierce your ears and you grow angry with every sound you hear. Louder and louder until the hum is like the constant splash of a water fall. You can’t block it out. Your hands won’t cover the noise. So you lay there and breathe. And cry. You hold yourself tight because that’s the only comfort you can find in the attack. You grip tight with your hands. You clench your teeth. Your eyes shut. Till you finally drift off to sleep. 

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Today

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Days like today, I feel like I’m hard to talk to. I don’t put much towards the conversations and I say “lol” way too much to try and mask the way I’m feeling. They may not notice it, but I feel like the way I text changes completely when I’m under this cloud.

I spend too much time on Facebook because I don’t know how else to distract my mind. Days like today I just need someone here with me to talk to, to laugh with. To stay busy. Texting helps a little, but I can always pause between words in a text and get trapped in my thoughts. That’s not as easy when you have someone to physically talk to.
My appetite is gone. My head hurts. I’m tired. The day is moving too fast but also so slow. I want to go do something, but everyone seems too be busy or unable to. I feel trapped. 

I’m fine…

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I tell myself this every time I start going through an episode… I’m fine… I’m okay… Nothing is wrong. BUT I have a terrible poker face… in person and through text… so as soon as I say I’m okay, everyone can tell I certainly am not just by looking at me. Some dismiss it as that though. They know I am not okay (or they truly believe that I am fine) but they don’t pester me to express what is going through my mind.

My friend, that I no longer talk to… or I suppose I should say that no longer talks to me because it was his choice to terminate the friendship… always knew when something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine.” “We both know what that means, now tell me what’s wrong?” I actually miss stuff like that. I miss being able to say I was fine and someone knowing that I really wasn’t. That they knew that was my way of saying “No, I’m not okay. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” Yeah, I know I could just say that instead… but to me, that’s what “fine” is. Fine is not fine… If I say I’m fine, 93% of the time I’ve got something weighing down on my mind.

I don’t like to admit when something is wrong. I don’t want to bother people with my problems. I would use those words as a cushion. If they took it as that, then I left it. They probably wouldn’t want to listen to my complaints and worries anyway. But.. if they did dig for the answer… a small weight would lift off of me, and it would feel easier to express my thoughts to them. Some people it takes a little more egging than others to get me to open up my worries to them, but that’s mainly because of my fear that once I tell them, they will just leave. But once I feel fully comfortable with you, it doesn’t take much for me to unleash everything that brings me down. I also don’t like to seem so negative. I know I’m not always negative, but when I’m in a slump I feel like that’s all that comes out, and I don’t want people to associate me with how negative I am. (I honestly think I can be rather positive at times. I don’t think I’m always negative but I know I have my moments.)

It’s so much easier for me to open up to a complete strange. Which… is that weird? No? Yes? I feel less judged by someone I barely know. Especially when I haven’t actually met them. I don’t know why I find security in that. Maybe because the most they can do is not reply… and since I don’t, or barely, know them… it isn’t a loss. But the thought of someone walking away that I actually know and enjoy being around… that scares me.

I’ve been told I care too much about what others think… and it’s true. I know. I’m not even sure what made me care so much. My mom tells me that is one of my strongest attributes. Not the fact that I care so much about what others think, but the fact that I care so much in general.

I suppose I’ll end this here. If you happen to know me personally, and you think something is wrong or I’m bothered by something, there is a very good chance that you are right. And like I said, I’m terrible at hiding it. Please, bare with me… I know I can be a handful, but your support will always help me through this. I bought sticky notes that I want to start sticking to my walls with inspirational quotes.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great rest of the night. See you around.

Another Day

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Have you ever started to panic over something that is probably just nothing? I do that all the time.

Previously, when it came to my best friend (who is no longer my best friend) that I talked to almost all day, every day, if he didn’t reply within an hour or two (and I didn’t know that he was already busy) I would assume the worst… that somehow, he had died or been severely injured. For some reason, I do this with people I really care about and really want to talk to… if it’s been quite a while since I’ve gotten a response from them, I instantly think something happened to them and I start to worry.

There’s some friends that I don’t worry about like this, even though I love them deeply and wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, if they don’t reply right away, I’m okay. I don’t panic. So why do I panic more for others?

Also, little, ridiculous things stick with me all day, or all week. Even months later, one very stupid event can weigh on my mind. Like something I’ve said or done. I sit there and wonder if the other person still thinks about what I said. Or what they could have thought about something I did. Do they continue to think about it longer after it’s over? Or is that just my mind looking for more things to worry about?

I try to control it but once a thought pops up that triggers my anxiety, it stays with me all day or until I feel like it has been resolved. I still get panic attacks when I think about my tattoo appointment. Did I set the date too far? Am I having second thoughts about getting it? But I really want it. Am I afraid of the pain? I already know what it will feel like. So why do I keep panicking over it?

Today was a great day but it still ended with being very anxious. Hopefully tomorrow will be calm the whole day through.

*edit* of all the things that could have caused me to panic today… Was when someone knocked on my damn front door. No clue who it could have been, was about to even answer it, til my roommate busted out of her room so I went back to making my food. Too bad it wasn’t someone for me. Haha. 

 

Achievement Unlocked

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Crying on the job.

Okay, so it was while going to punch out, but I was still on the clock so I’m counting it. Besides, I had to hold it back all damn day anyway. 

Today was shit. I can’t even tell you why it was shit. It just was. I was very anxious all day. I was aware of how much I felt like I was suffocating and I could not control my breathing at all today. 

I’m sure it was stress induced, as well as me being emotional. But the icing on the cake was when some BITCH (I’m sorry but yes, she’s a bitch to me for this) wants to start lecturing me on how to take care of my body. Yeah, I know, she was just trying to help. But I’m not hearing any of it. I did not ask for advice nor did I ask for her to stare me up and down before she decided to make her comments. I’m insecure enought about my body. So thank you for making me feel like a repulsive slug that doesn’t need to be seen outdoors. I try my best so don’t sit there and ask me the things I do for MY OWN BODY and then tell me it’s all wrong and I need to do what you do. Sorry, not sorry. Thanks bitch, for making me cry and feel worse. 

Rant over. 

Happy Thoughts

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I don’t really know how to write down my thoughts right now… I feel weighted. My chest hurts. I have this subtle panic running through my body. I don’t want to be alone right now. 

I’m so focused on my breathing that it hurts. I feel so off today and I don’t know why. Is it the weather? Because I’m alone? It’s been a while since I’ve consistently felt like this, and it’s running on a few days now of this weighted feeling. I want it to go away. I would like to just talk to someone. 

I begin to over think things a lot more. Should I not have said that? Am I being too annoying? Can they tell that I feel off? 

I’m scared to be in the dark right now, but I’m also scared to move to turn the light on. The tapping of my keys on my phone is making me paranoid enough. 

I just just need to calm down. I need to breathe. That’s the whole reason I got the tattoo. Don’t forget to breathe. I’m okay. I’m safe. No need to be scared. 

Why did I not bring my dog back for the weekend? She would make me feel a lot safer. 

Body Shaming

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I am a victim of body shaming.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been slim and petite, barely ever getting over 100 lbs. During high school, the most I had ever seen on the scale was 115 lbs, and that was just during the summer before my Sophomore year. After school started back up, I was lucky to ever get over 100 lbs. 

My weight generally stayed around 95-100 lbs during the rest of my high school years, and I was actually fairly happy with that. I thought I was pretty healthy. Aside from junk food and pop, I ate good, homemade meals. 

I did suffer from bad anxiety and possibly depression, which would make it very difficult to eat sometimes… No, I would not purposefully go without eating, my anxiety bouts would just get so bad that I could not swallow any food no matter how much I wanted to. 

I think that is what kept me at what others considered to be such a low weight… but I also had a rather high metabolism. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Still, even though I was happy with my weight and figure, I was frequently being told I “needed some meat on them bones”. An innocent comment, and at the time it didn’t really bother me all that much. It got annoying, but I was happy with my appearance and that was all that mattered. 

Fast forward to almost three years our of high school, I have gained almost 20 lbs… Which, yes, is still a healthy weight for me, but I am not happy about it at all. My anxiety has gone down and I’m hardly ever depressed anymore, so gaining weight became a little easier. Having a donut a day during break at work for the last 4 months did not help any. Even though I am still at a healthy weight, I am not at all happy with my appearance. 

Although I like the way my legs look now, I always loved my thigh gap, which is barely there anymore. I have also gained a bigger butt, which I am fairly happy about. But… I have also gained a tubbier stomach… due to the donuts I presume. No one can tell that my stomach has started to fold more over my pants because of the clothes I wear to work are fairly baggy for comfortability, but once the clothes come off, it’s there and I am not happy about it.

I am constantly being told “you need to get thicker” I don’t want that at all. “Being thick isn’t a bad thing” no it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean I personally want to be thick. “You don’t have to gain a larger stomach to get thick” I am well aware of that… but just because you want me to get thick, doesn’t mean I want to get thick. 

Personally, I would like to lose some weight and tone out my stomach. I do not want to gain thicker thighs or a larger ass. A bigger butt wouldn’t be a bad thing, but I want it in my standards, not someone else’s. If I want a flatter stomach, it is not for you to tell me my stomach is already flat, because it’s not. I know it’s not. It may be smaller than some people’s, but it is in no way flat. 

It’s not that I particularly want to lose weight, so much as I want my stomach to be flat again. I would be okay with my current weight if my stomach was toned to my liking.

Someone else’s weight should not concern you. Their appearance should not concern you. Your two cents is not needed or wanted unless you are speaking words of encouragement. If someone is hurting them self and putting them self in danger, yes speak up, but do not shove your views of their body down their throat. 

Stay healthy. Stay positive. Stay you.