Void

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Some nights are incredibly lonely. Tonight is one of those nights. When your throat has tightened up and you can feel every beat of your heart painfully against your chest. Tears stream out of your eyes with every gasped breath. It hurts to swallow. You can’t move. Your body has gone numb. You don’t have long to fall asleep, but you aren’t tired. The ones you feel like could help you through it aren’t responding. You don’t want to bother anyone else. You hardly wasn’t too bother those who you feel could help. Sometimes they’re your only hope. 

Every noise becomes brought out. The tick of a clock. The drip of a faucet. The hum of silence. They pierce your ears and you grow angry with every sound you hear. Louder and louder until the hum is like the constant splash of a water fall. You can’t block it out. Your hands won’t cover the noise. So you lay there and breathe. And cry. You hold yourself tight because that’s the only comfort you can find in the attack. You grip tight with your hands. You clench your teeth. Your eyes shut. Till you finally drift off to sleep. 

Body Shaming

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I am a victim of body shaming.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been slim and petite, barely ever getting over 100 lbs. During high school, the most I had ever seen on the scale was 115 lbs, and that was just during the summer before my Sophomore year. After school started back up, I was lucky to ever get over 100 lbs. 

My weight generally stayed around 95-100 lbs during the rest of my high school years, and I was actually fairly happy with that. I thought I was pretty healthy. Aside from junk food and pop, I ate good, homemade meals. 

I did suffer from bad anxiety and possibly depression, which would make it very difficult to eat sometimes… No, I would not purposefully go without eating, my anxiety bouts would just get so bad that I could not swallow any food no matter how much I wanted to. 

I think that is what kept me at what others considered to be such a low weight… but I also had a rather high metabolism. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Still, even though I was happy with my weight and figure, I was frequently being told I “needed some meat on them bones”. An innocent comment, and at the time it didn’t really bother me all that much. It got annoying, but I was happy with my appearance and that was all that mattered. 

Fast forward to almost three years our of high school, I have gained almost 20 lbs… Which, yes, is still a healthy weight for me, but I am not happy about it at all. My anxiety has gone down and I’m hardly ever depressed anymore, so gaining weight became a little easier. Having a donut a day during break at work for the last 4 months did not help any. Even though I am still at a healthy weight, I am not at all happy with my appearance. 

Although I like the way my legs look now, I always loved my thigh gap, which is barely there anymore. I have also gained a bigger butt, which I am fairly happy about. But… I have also gained a tubbier stomach… due to the donuts I presume. No one can tell that my stomach has started to fold more over my pants because of the clothes I wear to work are fairly baggy for comfortability, but once the clothes come off, it’s there and I am not happy about it.

I am constantly being told “you need to get thicker” I don’t want that at all. “Being thick isn’t a bad thing” no it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean I personally want to be thick. “You don’t have to gain a larger stomach to get thick” I am well aware of that… but just because you want me to get thick, doesn’t mean I want to get thick. 

Personally, I would like to lose some weight and tone out my stomach. I do not want to gain thicker thighs or a larger ass. A bigger butt wouldn’t be a bad thing, but I want it in my standards, not someone else’s. If I want a flatter stomach, it is not for you to tell me my stomach is already flat, because it’s not. I know it’s not. It may be smaller than some people’s, but it is in no way flat. 

It’s not that I particularly want to lose weight, so much as I want my stomach to be flat again. I would be okay with my current weight if my stomach was toned to my liking.

Someone else’s weight should not concern you. Their appearance should not concern you. Your two cents is not needed or wanted unless you are speaking words of encouragement. If someone is hurting them self and putting them self in danger, yes speak up, but do not shove your views of their body down their throat. 

Stay healthy. Stay positive. Stay you.