Pretty Little Invisible

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Fingers crossed I actually post this one! I have been having a problem where I will start to write a post and then get self-conscious and just leave it as a draft… i.e. I was typing a blog about my lack of confidence the other night and decided I didn’t want to put it out there yet. Anywho, let’s begin.

I have never felt like someone that gets noticed. I’ve always felt like I blended into the background. In high school, I would walk from point A to point B and that was it. I never really mingled in the halls. I was never really approached by anyone I didn’t really know, and if I was, it was them asking if I was a lesbian… fyi… I am very much so NOT a lesbian. If there was ever a time where someone approached me on a friendly level, I can’t recall it now. There was probably only one or two instances.

It isn’t just about being noticed in a crowd either. I feel like I never cross anyone’s mind. I feel like I’m just there and as soon as I leave they never think about me until I see them again or if I try to talk to them. I’ve come to notice though, that isn’t always the case. I have started to see that I get noticed a lot more than I think, and I am thought of a lot more than I would have imagined.

For starters, a couple weeks ago this guy came up to me at work after our 6 o’clock safety meeting in the morning. He had two coffees in his hand and he said one of them was for me. “Oh… thanks… who is it from?” I was rather sleepy at the time, and was incredibly happy to have coffee to wake myself up. “It’s from me.” I don’t know if I made a surprised, dumb face or not… but I was blown away at the thought that this stranger had even thought to bring me coffee that morning. And, boy, did I need it. That week had been shit so him doing that completely turned my day around. It was a Friday, too. What a great way to end the week. Anyway, my point is, he had noticed me. He had actually noticed me a couple weeks prior to him bringing me coffee, but had only just then decided to try and talk to me.

Another instance, a guy that was a grade or two ahead of me in high school messaged me on Facebook the other day. I had no clue he even knew that I existed. Truth be told, I thought he was totally hot in high school. Turns out, he had noticed that I had liked a couple of his statuses, and he had even liked a couple of mine, and he remembered me from school. So he decided to send me a message. He did the thing I hate. He told me his name even though I could clearly see who he was from his profile. I overlooked it though because I was shocked to have gotten a message from him. After talking to him for a good portion of the day, I decided to ask him why he decided to message me. He told me what I had explained about how he noticed I liked his stuff and remembered me from high school. I laughed. I told him I didn’t think he ever noticed me. And that’s when he told me “you tend to notice people you think are cute”,Sir… did you just tell me I’m cute???? I mean… I know I am now… but back in high school??? (Sorry for that conceited comment… but I think I look absolutely great sometimes now.) He’s actually a lot nicer than I thought he would be.

You want to know another? I’ve talked to this guy on and off for years now. Normally he would be the one to initiate the conversation, and every time he did I would just kind of be taken aback by it because we had never actually met, so the fact that he would think to message me amazed me. It also surprised me because I feel like I sound less interested (even though I normally am) in conversations when I don’t fully know the person, so the fact that he continued to try and talk to me made me happy. Every couple of weeks or months or so I’d get a message and we’d talk for a bit. I’m just like… wow… people actually want to talk to me? (We have actually met now, and I try to talk to him more. I enjoy his company.)

My best friend, she and I don’t talk all that often. (I mean, we do but we don’t?) We go days and weeks without talking sometimes, but our friendship stays as strong as if we were messaging each other every day. It still surprises me though when she randomly messages me to see how I’m doing. At first it would make me panic, because she would always be really concerned about how I was and I would instantly think something was wrong or she knew something that I didn’t know. Since then, I have gotten used to these texts and they no longer make me panic. They make me feel really happy knowing she thinks about me randomly like that and is always wondering how I’m doing. (She knows I have terrible anxiety problems. And she especially texts me to see how I am doing with a guy that I may like.)

SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED WHILE I AM TYPING THIS. So, this guy had found me on Tinder the other day, and instead of waiting for me to swipe right for him (which, let’s be honest, would have never happened because I no longer try to find people on Tinder) he decided to just look me up on Facebook. Kind of surprised he found me, but at the same time… I don’t have a common name, so it probably wasn’t hard to do. Well, he JUST messaged me to say he had been thinking about me quite a bit today. I don’t know how that happens.

I’ve always felt so plain. The only time I felt like I would ever get noticed was when I’d dye my hair funky, crazy colors (which I need to do again) but, it turns out I get noticed just by being me. No matter how invisible you think you are, you most likely aren’t. There’s at least one person noticing you, even if you don’t realize it.

Have a nice night, or day, or whatever it is for you right now. Love to all!

 

 

After Taste

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Have you ever tasted, or smelled, something and it instantly brought you back to a certain person or place? The taste/smell doesn’t even have to be bad… for me, it was a wonderful taste, but it was very upsetting with what memory instantly came to mind.

I am hit with nostalgia very often with scents and tastes. It actually pushes me into a panic, even if the memory was good, and I’m not too sure why. Whether it’s the changing weather, or if the lights are a little brighter than normal at work… even the spray paint and some smells at work will bring me back to when I was a child.

Work makes me think of when I would go to the bowling alley every weekend as a child. Some of the smells just makes me think of the stuff my parents and their friends would use to clean their bowling balls.

The changing weather, I think, takes me back to when I was in school. So does when a room is a bit brighter than it normally is. School always put me into a panicked state, so I think that’s why the brighter, warmer weather also makes me feel that way. Or maybe it’s just because I am terrible with change and it takes me a little longer than some to adjust to new things.

Smells… perfume, cologne, laundry. Flowers, candles, books. A lot of the time they bring back a good memory. I had picked up a book the other day… actually, I think it was a dvd case… so I opened a dvd case the other day, and the smell of the inside of it instantly made me think  of a book that I read when I was in (I think) middle school. Chocolate Fever by Robert Kimmel Smith. I was actually very scared of that book. I don’t really remember why. But that was the very first thing that came to my mind when the smell of that dvd case hit me.

It’s funny how certain smells and feels can bring back things that you haven’t thought of in years. It’s an interesting thing.

I hope you’ve had a great day, keep it up. Have a good night and have a happy Friday tomorrow.

TMI Alert

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Fair warning, right now, everything in this post is going to be very TMI. I will be talking about periods so, if you happen to actually know me… and you don’t want to know too much… don’t read this. Now, I know some of you will take that as a challenge and continue to read… and if you do… for the love of God, please do not ever bring this post up to me. I already feel weird about putting this out there, but I feel like I should talk about it.

Well, here it goes. Last chance to back out…

No?

Okay, I warned you.

How do I start this? Have you ever heard of “The Diva Cup”? If not, it is a menstrual product… some find it to be rather disgusting. It is a reusable cup that is advertised to be leak-free and easy-to-use (it says so on the box). When I first heard about it that’s what I thought. Ew, I’ll never use that. Well… I guess that was a lie.

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The Diva Cup models 1 & 2

I purchased this product last month (model 1 for those under the age of 30 and have not given childbirth) after my period had started. Even though I thought it was rather gross when I first heard about it, after a lot of consideration, I decided it might be a good idea and investment. Pads and tampons are such a hassle sometimes. Especially when Aunt Flo decides to visit early or you have a heavier flow and are required to change more often. I do not enjoy having to purchase these items every month or two, especially when I’m not keeping track of my period and it just pops up on me. So I decided to give this a try.

Since my period was already in full swing, and I hadn’t built up the courage yet, I told myself I would try the cup out for the next one. So here I am… giving my review on it. My period started yesterday, right as I was getting off work. It was a day late but I was fully expecting it to make it’s appearance yesterday because of how nauseated I was and I was beginning to have subtle cramps. If it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted to dye my hair yesterday and ended up having a friend over, I probably would have started my experiment yesterday as soon as I got home, but instead I am trying it today.

Before I say anything else, I feel the need to let you all know that I, at times, can have really bad anxiety… those of you that know me, and how dare you for actually continuing to read this, already know this about me. That being said, trying to use the cup was rather terrifying. I knew how to use it, I had watched video reviews on this product before I even purchased it, but it was new to me. I can’t use tampons due to toxic shock that I guess is pretty bad in my family, so I’m not used to really having to put anything up there…

Inserting it wasn’t all that hard (I decided on the squatting approach while in the shower), but as soon as it was in and, I assume, in place, I instantly had a panic attack. I was beyond scared I wouldn’t be able to take it back out. I couldn’t feel it at all really (which is good, you aren’t supposed to be able to feel it). Since I couldn’t feel it though, I wasn’t sure exactly how far in it was. For a couple of minutes I was constantly checking to make sure it was still where it was supposed to be.

After checking it multiple times, I decided to just try and take it out. It was a little difficult at first. I was rather nervous about if it would hurt coming out since it’s basically suctioned to your cervix, but that part didn’t hurt at all. Since I wasn’t fully relaxed though, it did hurt a little to fully remove the cup. I decided to just leave it alone and try another time. Well, that isn’t happening.

After I finished washing up, I decided to try one more time. I was able to insert it a lot easier this time, and, again, cannot feel it. Some people have complaints about the stem being uncomfortable, but I can’t feel it at all. It’s rather comfortable as of right now. I was able to sit down no problem.

It’s only been about an hour now, and I haven’t done too much moving around since I have been writing this post for almost the whole time. BUT, I think this might be something I will be comfortable with continuing to use. Of course, you will have to take it out throughout the day to empty it, but so far I like it. I am going to continue to wear a pad with it for now since this is my first time using it, but hopefully it works how it says it will.

Maybe I will make a follow up post of what I think of The Diva Cup after I’ve tried it a little more. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a fabulous day!

Another Day

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Have you ever started to panic over something that is probably just nothing? I do that all the time.

Previously, when it came to my best friend (who is no longer my best friend) that I talked to almost all day, every day, if he didn’t reply within an hour or two (and I didn’t know that he was already busy) I would assume the worst… that somehow, he had died or been severely injured. For some reason, I do this with people I really care about and really want to talk to… if it’s been quite a while since I’ve gotten a response from them, I instantly think something happened to them and I start to worry.

There’s some friends that I don’t worry about like this, even though I love them deeply and wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, if they don’t reply right away, I’m okay. I don’t panic. So why do I panic more for others?

Also, little, ridiculous things stick with me all day, or all week. Even months later, one very stupid event can weigh on my mind. Like something I’ve said or done. I sit there and wonder if the other person still thinks about what I said. Or what they could have thought about something I did. Do they continue to think about it longer after it’s over? Or is that just my mind looking for more things to worry about?

I try to control it but once a thought pops up that triggers my anxiety, it stays with me all day or until I feel like it has been resolved. I still get panic attacks when I think about my tattoo appointment. Did I set the date too far? Am I having second thoughts about getting it? But I really want it. Am I afraid of the pain? I already know what it will feel like. So why do I keep panicking over it?

Today was a great day but it still ended with being very anxious. Hopefully tomorrow will be calm the whole day through.

*edit* of all the things that could have caused me to panic today… Was when someone knocked on my damn front door. No clue who it could have been, was about to even answer it, til my roommate busted out of her room so I went back to making my food. Too bad it wasn’t someone for me. Haha. 

 

Hallelujah

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Today has been a much better day, even though I woke up right as I had to be leaving for work… I’m surprised my pants aren’t on backwards. 

Despite the oversleeping, I woke up feeling a whole lot better. And even though work was testing my limits, it still didn’t damper my mood. 

Best part of today had to be discovering that Hacienda is doing a Margarita special for Margarita day. Boy, do I love me some margaritas. Thank you Facebook, for strategically placing that news on my timeline. 

The second best thing was getting off work at 1:30 instead of 2:30. My paycheck won’t be as hot but this time to relax is much needed. 

Hopefully the rest of this week continues to be great. 🍹🍹🍾

…and On and On

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I love to make lists. I could make lists all day about anything and everything. Shopping lists, lists of things to bring on a camping trip, movie lists, book lists, lists of favorite foods. If I haven’t made a list for it, I’ve at least contemplated it.

I love the concept of organization. I can be a rather messy person, but lists makes me feel the slightest bit organized and that’s what gets me through the day. I also have a rather terrible memory, so lists also help me to remember the things I really don’t want to forget.

You know how they say if you forgot something, it must not have been important? Wrong. I forget things all the time that are important to me. Sometimes I remember them after racking my brain for several hours, or even several days. Sometimes I don’t remember it at all and am left feeling rather awkward about the matter.

That is why I make lists. They also keep things flowing nicely, in an event where things are needed to be kept track of. Currently, I have a list going of the books that I want to read. I have it saved as a draft on here for safe keeping. Maybe, once it gets a little larger, I will publish it as an actual post.

That’s it for this post, rather boring I know… and I’m sorry for that, but I haven’t posted anything in a few days and I was itching to type something up.

Have a good night, and Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!