For Mr. Lile.

Standard

Since you demanded a post, I’ve got one right here ready for you to read.

I’ve been waiting for something interesting to happen to me and I’ve finally got the perfect gem to write about.

I have discovered that one of my friends of the longest time, we share a deeper connection than I could have imagined. As of recent, since we’ve graduated high school, we’ve grown closer than ever before. We may not talk every day, sometimes we’ll go weeks without talking, but when we do talk, it’s like we never stopped.

The thing I love most about this friendship, is how freaky it has become. And when I say freaky, I mean… I cannot explain how this keeps happening. The last several times, it seems like whenever I think of her, that very same day she texts me out of the blue. Just to see how I’m doing and if I’m alright.

I just got a new phone and her number did not transfer to it when I activated it, so I hadn’t been able to text her whenever I thought of her (she no longer has her Facebook so texting is the only way of communication we have if we aren’t in person). I knew I didn’t have to worry about that though because I knew it wouldn’t take long before she texted me again to see how I was doing. It’s been about a week or two since I got the new phone, and this morning, is when I discovered we are more than just best friends. We are soul sisters.

This morning, I had a dream about her. I cannot give you any details of the dream other than I she was in it. Everything else I am drawing a blank on. I remember a lot of white, and maybe a table? And her parents were part of the dream. Well, when I woke up, I got the gut feeling that she would text me today. As my day went on I gradually forgot about the dream… until it actually happened. She texted me. Yes, she actually texted me. It is not the first time that I’ve thought of her and had the feeling that she’d try and text me that day and then she has. We’ve discussed how freaky it is and how connected we have to be for this to keep happening. And it has happened almost every time she’s texted me for almost a year now.

We are so alike it isn’t funny. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She is my best friend. She understands me on a level that no one else could. She’s helped me so much through so many things and she is so patient with my feelings and opening up about things. I can’t explain the premonitious (I don’t care if that’s not a word, I just made it one) feelings that we have that tell us when the other is wanting to talk… but I find it to be one of the coolest things and I am thrilled to share it with such an amazing person.

Advertisements

Happy Thoughts

Standard

I don’t really know how to write down my thoughts right now… I feel weighted. My chest hurts. I have this subtle panic running through my body. I don’t want to be alone right now. 

I’m so focused on my breathing that it hurts. I feel so off today and I don’t know why. Is it the weather? Because I’m alone? It’s been a while since I’ve consistently felt like this, and it’s running on a few days now of this weighted feeling. I want it to go away. I would like to just talk to someone. 

I begin to over think things a lot more. Should I not have said that? Am I being too annoying? Can they tell that I feel off? 

I’m scared to be in the dark right now, but I’m also scared to move to turn the light on. The tapping of my keys on my phone is making me paranoid enough. 

I just just need to calm down. I need to breathe. That’s the whole reason I got the tattoo. Don’t forget to breathe. I’m okay. I’m safe. No need to be scared. 

Why did I not bring my dog back for the weekend? She would make me feel a lot safer. 

Body Shaming

Standard

I am a victim of body shaming.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been slim and petite, barely ever getting over 100 lbs. During high school, the most I had ever seen on the scale was 115 lbs, and that was just during the summer before my Sophomore year. After school started back up, I was lucky to ever get over 100 lbs. 

My weight generally stayed around 95-100 lbs during the rest of my high school years, and I was actually fairly happy with that. I thought I was pretty healthy. Aside from junk food and pop, I ate good, homemade meals. 

I did suffer from bad anxiety and possibly depression, which would make it very difficult to eat sometimes… No, I would not purposefully go without eating, my anxiety bouts would just get so bad that I could not swallow any food no matter how much I wanted to. 

I think that is what kept me at what others considered to be such a low weight… but I also had a rather high metabolism. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Still, even though I was happy with my weight and figure, I was frequently being told I “needed some meat on them bones”. An innocent comment, and at the time it didn’t really bother me all that much. It got annoying, but I was happy with my appearance and that was all that mattered. 

Fast forward to almost three years our of high school, I have gained almost 20 lbs… Which, yes, is still a healthy weight for me, but I am not happy about it at all. My anxiety has gone down and I’m hardly ever depressed anymore, so gaining weight became a little easier. Having a donut a day during break at work for the last 4 months did not help any. Even though I am still at a healthy weight, I am not at all happy with my appearance. 

Although I like the way my legs look now, I always loved my thigh gap, which is barely there anymore. I have also gained a bigger butt, which I am fairly happy about. But… I have also gained a tubbier stomach… due to the donuts I presume. No one can tell that my stomach has started to fold more over my pants because of the clothes I wear to work are fairly baggy for comfortability, but once the clothes come off, it’s there and I am not happy about it.

I am constantly being told “you need to get thicker” I don’t want that at all. “Being thick isn’t a bad thing” no it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean I personally want to be thick. “You don’t have to gain a larger stomach to get thick” I am well aware of that… but just because you want me to get thick, doesn’t mean I want to get thick. 

Personally, I would like to lose some weight and tone out my stomach. I do not want to gain thicker thighs or a larger ass. A bigger butt wouldn’t be a bad thing, but I want it in my standards, not someone else’s. If I want a flatter stomach, it is not for you to tell me my stomach is already flat, because it’s not. I know it’s not. It may be smaller than some people’s, but it is in no way flat. 

It’s not that I particularly want to lose weight, so much as I want my stomach to be flat again. I would be okay with my current weight if my stomach was toned to my liking.

Someone else’s weight should not concern you. Their appearance should not concern you. Your two cents is not needed or wanted unless you are speaking words of encouragement. If someone is hurting them self and putting them self in danger, yes speak up, but do not shove your views of their body down their throat. 

Stay healthy. Stay positive. Stay you. 

Running Out of Time

Standard

Do you ever feel like time is just slipping away from you? As a 21 year-old, I am frequently told that I have plenty of time left in life to do certain things… i.e. find love, have children, and many other of the glorious things that life can give you. But, as time moves forward, I continue to think that these things are growing farther and farther out of my reach. I am called insane for wanting these things so early in my life, but to me, that’s all I want. I want that family of my own. I want that toddler taking their first steps. Smiling for the first time. Saying their first words. I want that husband that lays in bed with me at night. That cooks dinner with me, and sings with me, and lives life with me. Still, everyone tells me I should wait.

What is there to wait for? Aren’t you supposed to go after the things in life that you truly want? To make your dreams come true? What if that is my dream to have? Why is that such an insane thing for me to want? Just because most my age would rather wait for those things, why do I have to? Why can’t I want them now?

No one seems to understand that those are the things I crave in life. Not that I’m trying, but I would be overjoyed to find out if I was carrying a little life inside of me. I love children, with all of my heart. Sure, they can get on your nerves… but what doesn’t at some point in your life? Electronics not working right, person in line taking too long to check out, traffic is too slow… surely, given the right time, a baby is bound to irk you, too… yet I still want it more than anything.

I think what I want most is the experience of pregnancy. Which, of course, makes me even crazier in the eyes of those who have already gone through it. Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing to me… as is having a newborn baby. All babies, in fact.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I don’t want to bare just any man’s child. I want to hold the child of the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. And in this day in age, that seems to be very hard to find. For me, at least… but I still have hope that he is out there and I hope to find him soon.

I know that I still have many years ahead of me, but at the same time, I feel like life is moving way too fast. It feels like only yesterday I was still a little kid, scraping my knees and going to school. Now, here I am, a full, legal adult with bills to pay and a job to go to every morning… and let me tell you, I wish time would slow down. It’s like I blink and the year is already over, yet in school just one month felt like an eternity. What changed that makes life go by so much faster now?

That being said, I hope to be able to live life to the fullest. To do the things I truly love to do, and to accomplish everything I have my heart set on. One day, I will have a husband to come home to, and a child to love with my entire being. And I will own a laptop that isn’t a piece of shit that takes me that much longer to type because it constantly wants to scroll through what I’ve already written and prevent me from typing correctly. (Damn myself for spilling tomato soup all over my keyboard several months back.) In due time, it will all happen.