Void

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Some nights are incredibly lonely. Tonight is one of those nights. When your throat has tightened up and you can feel every beat of your heart painfully against your chest. Tears stream out of your eyes with every gasped breath. It hurts to swallow. You can’t move. Your body has gone numb. You don’t have long to fall asleep, but you aren’t tired. The ones you feel like could help you through it aren’t responding. You don’t want to bother anyone else. You hardly wasn’t too bother those who you feel could help. Sometimes they’re your only hope. 

Every noise becomes brought out. The tick of a clock. The drip of a faucet. The hum of silence. They pierce your ears and you grow angry with every sound you hear. Louder and louder until the hum is like the constant splash of a water fall. You can’t block it out. Your hands won’t cover the noise. So you lay there and breathe. And cry. You hold yourself tight because that’s the only comfort you can find in the attack. You grip tight with your hands. You clench your teeth. Your eyes shut. Till you finally drift off to sleep. 

Another Day

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Have you ever started to panic over something that is probably just nothing? I do that all the time.

Previously, when it came to my best friend (who is no longer my best friend) that I talked to almost all day, every day, if he didn’t reply within an hour or two (and I didn’t know that he was already busy) I would assume the worst… that somehow, he had died or been severely injured. For some reason, I do this with people I really care about and really want to talk to… if it’s been quite a while since I’ve gotten a response from them, I instantly think something happened to them and I start to worry.

There’s some friends that I don’t worry about like this, even though I love them deeply and wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, if they don’t reply right away, I’m okay. I don’t panic. So why do I panic more for others?

Also, little, ridiculous things stick with me all day, or all week. Even months later, one very stupid event can weigh on my mind. Like something I’ve said or done. I sit there and wonder if the other person still thinks about what I said. Or what they could have thought about something I did. Do they continue to think about it longer after it’s over? Or is that just my mind looking for more things to worry about?

I try to control it but once a thought pops up that triggers my anxiety, it stays with me all day or until I feel like it has been resolved. I still get panic attacks when I think about my tattoo appointment. Did I set the date too far? Am I having second thoughts about getting it? But I really want it. Am I afraid of the pain? I already know what it will feel like. So why do I keep panicking over it?

Today was a great day but it still ended with being very anxious. Hopefully tomorrow will be calm the whole day through.

*edit* of all the things that could have caused me to panic today… Was when someone knocked on my damn front door. No clue who it could have been, was about to even answer it, til my roommate busted out of her room so I went back to making my food. Too bad it wasn’t someone for me. Haha.