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I have absolutely no confidence in myself. I am a self-critical ball of anxiety that bursts anytime I try. Why no confidence? I don’t think I’ve ever really been confident in myself. I was always terrified to be next up to bat in softball… between getting hit with the ball and just absolutely sucking at it (which I actually didn’t suck, I was a great ball player… just terrible anxiety that led me to believe I wouldn’t do good) I just didn’t want to fuck up.

But my real lack of confidence lies with boys. That’s right, I am no charmer… or maybe I am? I can’t really tell. Don’t get me wrong… guys like me. I just had a boy at work, whom I had never talked to previously, come up to me the other week and he brought me coffee to work because he thought I was cute. Boosted my self-esteem there a bit. A guy I went to school with started messaging me on Facebook out of no where yesterday, and said he had thought I was cute… actually… he said you tend to notice people you think are cute (in reference to the fact that he actually noticed me in high school) so I’m taking that as I’M CUTE. Another guy, no clue who he is, swiped right for me on Tinder, and decided he was just going to try to find me on Facebook instead of waiting to see if I would have swiped right for him (which never would have happened because I no longer look for people on Tinder). That one was a tad bit creepy… but it’s the thought that counts, right?

So,  I know guys like me… but what about the guys that I like? Funny thing about that… all they ever want to do is try to fuck… The guy that took my virginity, I wanted to be with him so bad, even when I was in high school I had a huge crush on him. I wanted something to happen there. Did it? No, after about a month of fooling around, he told me he didn’t want a relationship. Know what he did next? GOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I fell in love with this other guy, I thought it would go somewhere. You know where it went? Straight into the trash. Two other guys I tried to get into a relationship with also failed. Also, all they were interested in was trying to fuck. Sex is not a bad thing, I love sex. Sex is great, don’t get me wrong… but when you actually like someone, for more than just sex… that’s not all that you want.

It makes it harder for me to open up when I like someone. It’s so hard to tell if they actually like me, and want to try to have a relationship, or if they’re just in it for a fuck and then will leave. It scares me just thinking about it. I get scared of rejection. I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, I’m too DIFFICULT. That’s the one I get the most. I’m also scared they will resent me for my anxiety. It makes me sick just thinking about it. My anxiety spikes so bad when I like a guy because all of my fears set in. Am I being annoying? Does he like me? Why did I say that? WHY DID I DO THAT? He must think I’m an idiot. What guy would like that? I’m texting him too much… I need to chill. BUT HE HASN’T TEXTED ME BACK, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED.

I like to think I’ve gotten better with the over texting… I know sometimes I can be a bit much, and it seems like that’s what keeps driving everyone away. Why can’t I be attracted to the guy that brought me coffee to work? Why does it have to be someone I’m so scared to fully open up to because I don’t want them to walk out on me, too?

The August YesOhYas! 2018

The YesOhYas! box featured 5 items this month with a retail value of $94! Those items were:

• Beauty Creations Cali Set Palette
• Sorme Blotting Paper – 100 Sheets
• Laqa & Co Cloud Lips in Cherub
• Crown Brush Angle Contour Brush
• Maskeraide Pre-Party Sheet Mask

The Cali Set is a set of 9 shadows varying in shimmery or matte format ranging in nudes and pinky colors.

Laqa & Co’s Cloud Lips in Cherub is a full coverage pink lipstick. It us “as light as a cloud” with highly-pigmented matte finish.

Maskeraide’s Pre-Party sheet mask is to brighten, prime and energize. Perfect to prime your skin before getting ready for a night out.

Sorme’s blotting paper is made with a natural green tea, it is used to calm the skin and remove the unwanted oils.

The Crown Brush angle contour brush makes for the perfect sculpted face. With soft bristles your color applies smooth and flawless.

If you’re interested in receiving the September YesOhYas! box, sign up today with my link CLICK HERE and use code “YOY” to get 10% off your first month! $14 a month plus shipping for 3-7 full sized beauty items, it’s to die for!

For Mr. Lile.

Since you demanded a post, I’ve got one right here ready for you to read.

I’ve been waiting for something interesting to happen to me and I’ve finally got the perfect gem to write about.

I have discovered that one of my friends of the longest time, we share a deeper connection than I could have imagined. As of recent, since we’ve graduated high school, we’ve grown closer than ever before. We may not talk every day, sometimes we’ll go weeks without talking, but when we do talk, it’s like we never stopped.

The thing I love most about this friendship, is how freaky it has become. And when I say freaky, I mean… I cannot explain how this keeps happening. The last several times, it seems like whenever I think of her, that very same day she texts me out of the blue. Just to see how I’m doing and if I’m alright.

I just got a new phone and her number did not transfer to it when I activated it, so I hadn’t been able to text her whenever I thought of her (she no longer has her Facebook so texting is the only way of communication we have if we aren’t in person). I knew I didn’t have to worry about that though because I knew it wouldn’t take long before she texted me again to see how I was doing. It’s been about a week or two since I got the new phone, and this morning, is when I discovered we are more than just best friends. We are soul sisters.

This morning, I had a dream about her. I cannot give you any details of the dream other than I she was in it. Everything else I am drawing a blank on. I remember a lot of white, and maybe a table? And her parents were part of the dream. Well, when I woke up, I got the gut feeling that she would text me today. As my day went on I gradually forgot about the dream… until it actually happened. She texted me. Yes, she actually texted me. It is not the first time that I’ve thought of her and had the feeling that she’d try and text me that day and then she has. We’ve discussed how freaky it is and how connected we have to be for this to keep happening. And it has happened almost every time she’s texted me for almost a year now.

We are so alike it isn’t funny. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She is my best friend. She understands me on a level that no one else could. She’s helped me so much through so many things and she is so patient with my feelings and opening up about things. I can’t explain the premonitious (I don’t care if that’s not a word, I just made it one) feelings that we have that tell us when the other is wanting to talk… but I find it to be one of the coolest things and I am thrilled to share it with such an amazing person.

The Beyond

I know a lot of people don’t believe in this stuff… I know a lot of people also say NEVER to fuck with this stuff… And by “this stuff” I mean spirits and Ouija boards. 

I had always been skeptical about Ouija boards. I played with one once with a friend a year or two ago but it seemed like it was all a joke. I thought my friend was moving the piece and answering the questions. I’m still not sure if it was them moving the piece that time. 

Yesterday, another friend of mine and I went to the mall. We went to Spencers and there we found a Ouija board. It was about $30 and we sorta convinced each other to go halvies on it. We tried it last night. He did the chanting at first and nothing happened. After a bit more research we figured maybe we both have to do the opening chant. Well, the piece moved. I thought it was him at first. Maybe he was fucking with me. But after a couple of questions and the piece moving a couple of times to the yes, he wanted to say goodbye. So we said goodbye ’til the piece moved all the way to the bottom. He was freaked. He asked me multiple times if I was moving the piece. I swore to him, it wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. I would never do that because I know I would hate it if someone else was trying to control the piece as a joke. That’s when I decided that I don’t think he was messing with the piece. He was genuinely freaked out that it moved and I know for a fact I was not the one moving it. I never thought before that Ouija boards legitimately worked… But after this weekend, I think I may actually believe in them. 

Today

Days like today, I feel like I’m hard to talk to. I don’t put much towards the conversations and I say “lol” way too much to try and mask the way I’m feeling. They may not notice it, but I feel like the way I text changes completely when I’m under this cloud.

I spend too much time on Facebook because I don’t know how else to distract my mind. Days like today I just need someone here with me to talk to, to laugh with. To stay busy. Texting helps a little, but I can always pause between words in a text and get trapped in my thoughts. That’s not as easy when you have someone to physically talk to.
My appetite is gone. My head hurts. I’m tired. The day is moving too fast but also so slow. I want to go do something, but everyone seems too be busy or unable to. I feel trapped. 

Pretty Little Invisible

Fingers crossed I actually post this one! I have been having a problem where I will start to write a post and then get self-conscious and just leave it as a draft… i.e. I was typing a blog about my lack of confidence the other night and decided I didn’t want to put it out there yet. Anywho, let’s begin.

I have never felt like someone that gets noticed. I’ve always felt like I blended into the background. In high school, I would walk from point A to point B and that was it. I never really mingled in the halls. I was never really approached by anyone I didn’t really know, and if I was, it was them asking if I was a lesbian… fyi… I am very much so NOT a lesbian. If there was ever a time where someone approached me on a friendly level, I can’t recall it now. There was probably only one or two instances.

It isn’t just about being noticed in a crowd either. I feel like I never cross anyone’s mind. I feel like I’m just there and as soon as I leave they never think about me until I see them again or if I try to talk to them. I’ve come to notice though, that isn’t always the case. I have started to see that I get noticed a lot more than I think, and I am thought of a lot more than I would have imagined.

For starters, a couple weeks ago this guy came up to me at work after our 6 o’clock safety meeting in the morning. He had two coffees in his hand and he said one of them was for me. “Oh… thanks… who is it from?” I was rather sleepy at the time, and was incredibly happy to have coffee to wake myself up. “It’s from me.” I don’t know if I made a surprised, dumb face or not… but I was blown away at the thought that this stranger had even thought to bring me coffee that morning. And, boy, did I need it. That week had been shit so him doing that completely turned my day around. It was a Friday, too. What a great way to end the week. Anyway, my point is, he had noticed me. He had actually noticed me a couple weeks prior to him bringing me coffee, but had only just then decided to try and talk to me.

Another instance, a guy that was a grade or two ahead of me in high school messaged me on Facebook the other day. I had no clue he even knew that I existed. Truth be told, I thought he was totally hot in high school. Turns out, he had noticed that I had liked a couple of his statuses, and he had even liked a couple of mine, and he remembered me from school. So he decided to send me a message. He did the thing I hate. He told me his name even though I could clearly see who he was from his profile. I overlooked it though because I was shocked to have gotten a message from him. After talking to him for a good portion of the day, I decided to ask him why he decided to message me. He told me what I had explained about how he noticed I liked his stuff and remembered me from high school. I laughed. I told him I didn’t think he ever noticed me. And that’s when he told me “you tend to notice people you think are cute”,Sir… did you just tell me I’m cute???? I mean… I know I am now… but back in high school??? (Sorry for that conceited comment… but I think I look absolutely great sometimes now.) He’s actually a lot nicer than I thought he would be.

You want to know another? I’ve talked to this guy on and off for years now. Normally he would be the one to initiate the conversation, and every time he did I would just kind of be taken aback by it because we had never actually met, so the fact that he would think to message me amazed me. It also surprised me because I feel like I sound less interested (even though I normally am) in conversations when I don’t fully know the person, so the fact that he continued to try and talk to me made me happy. Every couple of weeks or months or so I’d get a message and we’d talk for a bit. I’m just like… wow… people actually want to talk to me? (We have actually met now, and I try to talk to him more. I enjoy his company.)

My best friend, she and I don’t talk all that often. (I mean, we do but we don’t?) We go days and weeks without talking sometimes, but our friendship stays as strong as if we were messaging each other every day. It still surprises me though when she randomly messages me to see how I’m doing. At first it would make me panic, because she would always be really concerned about how I was and I would instantly think something was wrong or she knew something that I didn’t know. Since then, I have gotten used to these texts and they no longer make me panic. They make me feel really happy knowing she thinks about me randomly like that and is always wondering how I’m doing. (She knows I have terrible anxiety problems. And she especially texts me to see how I am doing with a guy that I may like.)

SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED WHILE I AM TYPING THIS. So, this guy had found me on Tinder the other day, and instead of waiting for me to swipe right for him (which, let’s be honest, would have never happened because I no longer try to find people on Tinder) he decided to just look me up on Facebook. Kind of surprised he found me, but at the same time… I don’t have a common name, so it probably wasn’t hard to do. Well, he JUST messaged me to say he had been thinking about me quite a bit today. I don’t know how that happens.

I’ve always felt so plain. The only time I felt like I would ever get noticed was when I’d dye my hair funky, crazy colors (which I need to do again) but, it turns out I get noticed just by being me. No matter how invisible you think you are, you most likely aren’t. There’s at least one person noticing you, even if you don’t realize it.

Have a nice night, or day, or whatever it is for you right now. Love to all!

 

 

Here’s My Title

I make strong attachments to people. Some of them I have never met before, but talking to them still brings me joy and I wouldn’t want to lose contact with them. Well, I just had a great scare where I thought I would never be able to talk to one of them again because the account I use to talk to a group of them decided to fuck up.

It had been a while since I talked to them, but I still checked in on the conversation every now and again to see how things were going. I eventually had to update the app in order to continue talking to them, and after a few months of being busy and procrastination, I made enough space in my phone to update the app and talk to them again. Well, a couple days after that, something in my account “changed”. I’m not sure what changed, or how, or why… but it prevented me from talking to them and I couldn’t remember my password to log back in. I was instantly rushed with panic with the fear of never being able to talk to any of them again, mainly one that I grew very fond of and could talk to about anything. I had tried clearing the data from the app and opening it back up (which would normally automatically log me back in) but it wasn’t that simple. I needed to know my password to get back in.

I tried every password that made sense for it to be. I tried variations of the same password. After several attempts, I was able to get back in (using a password I could have sworn I tried typing in days before). I’m not too sure what it is about them, that makes me want to continue talking to them, even though I have never met them in person and we all live in different states… but like I said before… I make strong attachments to people. And if I happen to develop an attachment to you, you are very special to me and I don’t want to lose you from my life.

TMI Alert

Fair warning, right now, everything in this post is going to be very TMI. I will be talking about periods so, if you happen to actually know me… and you don’t want to know too much… don’t read this. Now, I know some of you will take that as a challenge and continue to read… and if you do… for the love of God, please do not ever bring this post up to me. I already feel weird about putting this out there, but I feel like I should talk about it.

Well, here it goes. Last chance to back out…

No?

Okay, I warned you.

How do I start this? Have you ever heard of “The Diva Cup”? If not, it is a menstrual product… some find it to be rather disgusting. It is a reusable cup that is advertised to be leak-free and easy-to-use (it says so on the box). When I first heard about it that’s what I thought. Ew, I’ll never use that. Well… I guess that was a lie.

The Diva Cup models 1 & 2

I purchased this product last month (model 1 for those under the age of 30 and have not given childbirth) after my period had started. Even though I thought it was rather gross when I first heard about it, after a lot of consideration, I decided it might be a good idea and investment. Pads and tampons are such a hassle sometimes. Especially when Aunt Flo decides to visit early or you have a heavier flow and are required to change more often. I do not enjoy having to purchase these items every month or two, especially when I’m not keeping track of my period and it just pops up on me. So I decided to give this a try.

Since my period was already in full swing, and I hadn’t built up the courage yet, I told myself I would try the cup out for the next one. So here I am… giving my review on it. My period started yesterday, right as I was getting off work. It was a day late but I was fully expecting it to make it’s appearance yesterday because of how nauseated I was and I was beginning to have subtle cramps. If it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted to dye my hair yesterday and ended up having a friend over, I probably would have started my experiment yesterday as soon as I got home, but instead I am trying it today.

Before I say anything else, I feel the need to let you all know that I, at times, can have really bad anxiety… those of you that know me, and how dare you for actually continuing to read this, already know this about me. That being said, trying to use the cup was rather terrifying. I knew how to use it, I had watched video reviews on this product before I even purchased it, but it was new to me. I can’t use tampons due to toxic shock that I guess is pretty bad in my family, so I’m not used to really having to put anything up there…

Inserting it wasn’t all that hard (I decided on the squatting approach while in the shower), but as soon as it was in and, I assume, in place, I instantly had a panic attack. I was beyond scared I wouldn’t be able to take it back out. I couldn’t feel it at all really (which is good, you aren’t supposed to be able to feel it). Since I couldn’t feel it though, I wasn’t sure exactly how far in it was. For a couple of minutes I was constantly checking to make sure it was still where it was supposed to be.

After checking it multiple times, I decided to just try and take it out. It was a little difficult at first. I was rather nervous about if it would hurt coming out since it’s basically suctioned to your cervix, but that part didn’t hurt at all. Since I wasn’t fully relaxed though, it did hurt a little to fully remove the cup. I decided to just leave it alone and try another time. Well, that isn’t happening.

After I finished washing up, I decided to try one more time. I was able to insert it a lot easier this time, and, again, cannot feel it. Some people have complaints about the stem being uncomfortable, but I can’t feel it at all. It’s rather comfortable as of right now. I was able to sit down no problem.

It’s only been about an hour now, and I haven’t done too much moving around since I have been writing this post for almost the whole time. BUT, I think this might be something I will be comfortable with continuing to use. Of course, you will have to take it out throughout the day to empty it, but so far I like it. I am going to continue to wear a pad with it for now since this is my first time using it, but hopefully it works how it says it will.

Maybe I will make a follow up post of what I think of The Diva Cup after I’ve tried it a little more. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a fabulous day!

Forgot a Title

Today was wonderful. For the first time in the past week, today was absolutely glorious. A week may not seem like a long time, but when something is making you feel worse and worse every day, it’s great when you get that one day that isn’t complete shit.

Surprisingly enough, I woke up on time for work after only getting three and a half hours of sleep. I was on some kind of high the whole day. I felt good. I felt happy. Nothing was bringing me down. My favorite team members and I laughed the whole day while we worked. We had little to no issues with the parts we were putting together, and we had a plant meeting at 1:30 which made it so we could leave as soon as it was over. Didn’t even have to stay until 3:30 today. Not that it would have been a bad thing, I would have enjoyed the extra money, but I also just wanted to relax since my body was not fully energized after the meeting. You would think being able to sit for an hour after having to stand all day would be amazing… it is not. I almost fall asleep every time we have a meeting.Then my ass hurts from sitting on the uncomfortable chair/stool things.It just isn’t fun.

Thanking God that tomorrow is Friday. Honestly thought yesterday was Tuesday. Don’t know how I made that mistake… but I didn’t find out it was actually Wednesday until like……….. 8.. 9.. 10  o’clock-ish. I don’t remember, I wasn’t paying attention to the time. But it made today even better once I discovered it would be Thursday. I had a great night and a great day. Hoping tomorrow will be just as good.

Hallelujah

Today has been a much better day, even though I woke up right as I had to be leaving for work… I’m surprised my pants aren’t on backwards. 

Despite the oversleeping, I woke up feeling a whole lot better. And even though work was testing my limits, it still didn’t damper my mood. 

Best part of today had to be discovering that Hacienda is doing a Margarita special for Margarita day. Boy, do I love me some margaritas. Thank you Facebook, for strategically placing that news on my timeline. 

The second best thing was getting off work at 1:30 instead of 2:30. My paycheck won’t be as hot but this time to relax is much needed. 

Hopefully the rest of this week continues to be great. 🍹🍹🍾